Seriously, though, doesn't Arthur Blank Look Like a Pedophile Who Probably Runs an Amusement Park for Little Kids

Mike Vick was exonerated Monday from marijuana possession accusations stemming from his inexplicable reluctance to relinquish a secret weed compartment waterbottle at Miami International Airport. Hooray! While I was kind of hoping the Dade County DA would have pressed charges so that we could spend the next two weeks listening to the ESPN hacks debate whether Vick's apparent drug "abuse" and possible conviction warranted his relegation to second string duties, this is clearly a better result for it proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that pedophile amusement-park operator and Falcons owner, Arthur Blank, wrote hefty checks this weekend to the Miami DA's office, the TSA and Roger Goodell to keep the face of the franchise off the police blotter. You may be innocent in the court of law, Mike Vick, but the court of public opinion is in session and you're gettin' the chair.

The evidence? Vick unwilling to give up secret weed compartment watter bottle emitting marijuana odor. Works for me.

Good thing Vick doesn't play for the Bengals; somehow things just don't work out so well for those guys.

Is this evidence of a conspiracy to get the Bengals back to their mid-90's heyday involving a double secret alliance between high-ranking NFL brass and law enforcement personnel around the country? I think it is.

We all know the NFL is full of conspiracies, right? I mean, there's no way two black coaches could ever make it to the superbowl ... puh-leeeze.

It's Gonna Be 1985 All Over Again

It's championship weekend, and it's time to make picks that I'm quite sure will be dead wrong.

New Orleans Saints at Chicago Bears (Bears -2.5)

As of this moment, the good folks over at the weather channel are predicting snow for late Sunday afternoon at the spaceship. If this forecast indeed comes to fruition, the Saints may be in a bit of trouble. However, the once-feared Bears defense is a shell of its former self, particularly against the run ever since Tommy Harris went down, which means the Saints will look to drop an enormous Deuce and flash some Bush all over the Bears front 7. Could get a little messy.

If there's snow on the ground, I give this one to the Bears: 23-17

No snow, Saints expose a weak Bears defense: 27-17

















New England Patriots at Indianapolis Colts (Colts -3)

Ah, yes. Nothing like a Sunday night AFC championship game played in a fuckin' dome. Fuck you, Colts.

I think this one's pretty simple. Brady has a 10-0 career record in domes. Manning throws a late pick, and the Patriots show that it doesn't matter who the fuck is on their team as Gostkowski pulls a Vinatieri and ends the game with a 42 yarder.

Pats win: 27-24

By the way, shouldn't the Pats totally go back to these uniforms?

Gimme That!

As I'm sure you're all aware, Miami Internatioal Airport security personnel confiscated a water bottle from Falcons QB Michael Vick prior to his boarding an Airtran flight destined for Atlanta. The water bottle had a hidden compartment that allegedly smelled of marijuana and contained a "substance." Hmm. Criminal charges have yet to be filed against Vick, but Falcons owner, Arthur Blank, and the rest of the dirty-bird's brass are pissed--and rightfully so. 3 years ago Blank signed Vick to a preposterous $137 million contract, at the time the NFL's richest. We here at Calmner'n You Are don't think Vick's that great a QB. The m'fer can sure as shit run around the field with the best of 'em, but in terms of Vladimir Putin that ball where it needs to be, Vick ain't worth the un-flushed log a' shit fermenting in my crapper.

Frankly, though, I can't get mad at Vick for smoking the weed. Everyone does it, especially pro athletes. If I signed a contract for anywhere near $137 million, you can be damned sure I'd be smoking weed all the time, which, for better or worse, wouldn't even be that much more of a frequent occurrence than it is now. (Ir)regardless, while Vick probably doesn't deserve the vitriol being spewed forth by the likes of racist Falcons fans and ESPN, he should be chastised by the stoner community for what amounts to nothing less than sheer ganja-stupidity.

Mike Vick should be charged with the following weed stupidity crimes:

Weed Stupidity Crime #1: Reckless Weed Storage
Oh how I pine for the days when you could strut through airport security with an enormous bag of weed in your pocket. Damn you 9-11 terrorists. You not only ushered in a seemingly endless era of ridiculous foreign policy defined by an amorphous "war on terror," but you made it difficult as shit to get contraband of any kind onto an airplane. Fuckers.

Nowadays, if one has the audacity to bring weed onto an airplane, he must make sure that if he's "chosen" to be violated by an overweight TSA 'broad at the security checkpoint, she won't discover his stash and convert his roundtrip ticket from JFK to Runaway Bay to a non-stop, one-way boarding pass to lovely Guantanamo Bay.

If you absolutely must travel with any form of contraband, the easiest method of transport is the ole' tape-job. Ya' know whatcha' fuckin' do? First, wear baggy pants. Second, if you're a dude, tape the bag to your nutz (if you're a crazy broad, either stick it in your underwears, or tape it to your leg). That's it.

While those employed by the TSA are not rocket scientists, the hidden compartment trick doesn't fool anyone. C'mon, Mike, we all know you and Marcus didn't just start smokin' yesterday.

Weed Stupidity Crime #2: Stash Violation by a Rich Dude

Mike, you're really fuckin' rich. There's no reason why you should need to bring whatever weed you were smokin' in South Beach back to Atlanta. And if you've got a connection problem in Atlanta, get Ludacris on the horn; I'm sure he can help you out.

Weed Stupidity Crime #3: Rich Dude Carrying Own Supply

If you're rich like Mike Vick, I'm sure you travel with your "homies." And if you're rich like Mike Vick, you can afford to have a member of your posse carry your contraband for you. The point here is that if you're stupid enough to try and carry weed onto a plane, at least have the presence of mind to make one of your crew carry it for you ...

Weed Stupidity Crime #4: It's a Fucking Water Bottle, Dumbass!

This one's not exactly a weed-crime, per se, but you've got to be stupid nonetheless to be guilty of it. Unless you've been living in a cave for the last year (speaking of caves, you've got to try some delicious cave-aged gruyere--sicknasty), you know that the TSA has a hard-on for bottles of liquid passengers attempt to bring on a plane.

This is a stupidity double-whammy of sorts. First, we've got Vick attempting to bring a waterbottle onto a plane. Not sure what the thought process is on that one, but it's pretty effin' stupid. Then we've got the hidden compartment trick ... in a water bottle. Ugh.

The long and the short of this is that Vick will get blasted in the media and likely will be forced to enter a drug-treatment program to treat his "addiction." The real story, though, is that Vick is a moron.

Moral of the story? Sure. $137 million can buy you a shitload of weed, but evidently not enough to warrant disposing of your hidden compartment water bottle before you attempt to pass through security at notoriously drug-unfriendly Miami Fucking International Airport.

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Paulie Walnuts phrase of the day: "Malignant Cunt"

In season 4 of the Sopranos, Paulie has put his mah, Nucci, in Green Grove, a high-end retirement home. Sadly, Mrs. Gualtieri has difficulty making friends and is effectively shunned by the community, led by Minn Martone and Cookie Cirillo, old friends of Nucci. In a meeting between Paulie and Cookie's son, Chucky, who Paulie knows from his childhood days, Paulie presses Chucky to get his mom to be nicer to Nucci--it is at this point that Paulie refers to Minn Martone as an instigator and a "malignant cunt." Well said, Paulie.

So, the next time you feel the need to utter a "dirty slut," "filthy ho'" or "stupid bitch"--try a "malignant cunt" on for size. Fits nice, right?

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For all you Rose Hill Drive fanatics out there, ever wonder what the band would sound like if it played the Band of Gypsies album in full? If so, then you might want to give this download a test drive (hey-oh!). Thanks to the guys over at Hidden Track for the heads up on this sick show.

Read what author of Hidden Track's weekly edition of "Grousing the Aisles," Scott Bernstein, had to say about this show here.

Lastly, if you're a music fan and not checking Hidden Track on a daily (if not hourly) basis, you're as stupid as Mike Vick.

Nick's Picks, Vol. I

On Fridays in mid-January, when I am reduced to a couch-dwelling, weed-smoking, sloth-like stain on society, I think of two things: professional football and Bud Light. The weekend of January 13-15 should be a smashing good time for all, considering there's 14 hours of prime playoff football to witness and 3 nights of potential Bud Light debauchery (or, if you're like me, douchebaggery). Let's all give a big thank you to Marty King (or maybe we should be thanking James Earl Ray ... I'm going straight to hell).

Now that the New York Football Giants have been eliminated from Super Bowl contention by the hated Iggles (something I'm actually kind of happy about, considering I've come to despise the very team whose weekly performance determines my brain's general production level of dopamine), I can begin to concentrate on pro football's version of the "hot stove": the 2007 NFL Fucking Draft.

I've told many individuals that my last three weeks consisted of apartment searches, quality time spent with my carpetbagger parents, repeated physical assaults in Chicago on a large, cage-free gerbal disguised as an accountant, and 4 days of sniper training with a secret special forces unit that invovled a surgical procedure on mis ojos utilizing a laser. Those are all lies.

I've actually been greasing my hair back, erecting a big-board in my living room, and hosting a NFL draft-prospect combine in Riverside Park--all because I'm the self-proclaimed new Mel Kiper, Jr. If Jay Bilas can go from the courtroom to the ESPN studio, then so can I.

And now, behold the first annual Nick's Picks Mock Draft (huge E-power chord, possibly with volume pedal effect as sound fades out)

Picks 1-10

1. Oakland Raiders: JaMarcus Russell (QB, LSU)
Everyone knows that the top two picks will be QB's, and this dude's got disgusting size, a disgusting arm, and he'd look cool as shit in silver and black. With Randal "Randy" Moss giving 35% on every play, Russell could be the next Daunte Culpepper.

2. Detroit Lions: Brady Quinn (QB, Notre Dame)
If history is any guide, Matt Millen will draft Calvin Johnson, who will then, by operation of law, be out of the league picking up trash in three years. Millen's draft acumen has been analyzed here before, but we think even he can't fuck this one up. The Lions need a QB and the Irish Douchebag (I totally just made that up, but it does fit) is the obvious choice. If I were Brady Quinn, the first thing I'd do is change my name; the second thing I'd do is pull a John Elway/Eli Manning and refuse to go to the Motor City.

3. Cleveland Browns: Adrian Peterson (RB, Oklahoma)
These bottom-feeders need a QB, but with Russell and Quinn off the board, they're not going to take Brohm with the #3 overall pick. Instead, they'll take Adrian Peterson, who has the potential to be fucking sick, but also might spend the next three years nursing various injuries. This will give them three young studs at skill positions (Edwards, Winslow, Peterson); but don't start jerkin' it yet, Browns fans, the puke-orange and deuce-brown are still gonna suck dingleberries next year.

4. Minnesota Vikings from Tampa Bay Bucs: Calvin Johnson (WR, Georgia Tech)
That's right, I'm predicting a trade. Fuck off. The Vikes are desperate for a big-play WR, and Johnson looks like he could be the next Larry Fitzgerald, or even better. The Bucs need D-line help, and know that they can likely get that down at the #7 position. The Vikes will swap picks with the Bucs and throw in a second or third round this year and a 3rd or 4th rounder in '08 to get Johnson. If you've seen this m'fer play this year, you know that he looked like a catholic preist out there (...c'mon, a man playing with boyz ...)

5. Arizona Cardinals: Joe Thomas (OT, Wisconsin)
I don't know much about this beast other than that everyone and their mother says he's awesome. Works for me. Cardinals need blocking and with Thomas opposite Leonard Davis, that could be the cornerstone of a solid line for years to come. Isn't that special.

6. Washington Redskins: Gaines Adams (DE, Clemson)
I've had conversations with my insiders of the Redskins organizations, one of whom is a degenerate Gambler, and the consensus seems to be that the Skins want either a DE or a CB. Although S. Springs is gettin' on in years and Carlos Rogers didn't mature as much in his second year as the Skins brass had hoped, they're going to pass on a first round CB and look to upgrade the position with Nate Clements via free agency. This pick could also be Jamaal Anderson (DE, Arkansas), who many think is the best DE in the draft, but since Danny Snyder is a moron, he'll go with Gaines.

7. Tampa Bay Bucs from Minnesota Vikings: Jamaal Anderson (DE, Arkansas)
Although Alan Branch is viewed by many to be the top D-lineman in the draft, the Bucs need help with the pass rush (they finished 30th in sacks in 2006) and that's what Anderson will provide.

8. Houston Texans: Alan Branch (DT, Michigan)
The Texans need tons of defensive help, and while they might be better off taking LSU safety LaRon Landry, they can't pass up the opportunity to anchor their defensive line with Branch. Branch is enormous (6'-6", 330 lbs.) and was the cornerstone of a Wolverines defense that was sick at stopping the run (except against tOSU and USC ... but the Texans front office isn't smart enough to figure that one out). With Branch and Williams making up half of the Texans D-line, the potential is there for a dominant future.

9. Miami Dolphins: Leon Hall (CB, Michigan)
When you've got G-men cast-off, Will Allen, starting at corner, you could use an upgrade. Hall is the top corner in the draft, so this one's, as my man Ace Cowboy over at Slack says better than anyone else, a total Schiavo.

10. Atlanta Falcons: Dwayne Jarrett (WR, USC)
Most think LSU safety, LaRon Landry, will go here, but because I know what the fuck I'm talking about, it's going to be Jarrett: Falcons receivers were atrocious in '06 in terms of catching the ball and making big plays. As we all saw in the Rose Bowl, Jarrett is big, fast, and has great hands--finally someone for Matt Schau--I mean, Michael Vick, to throw to.

The next ten are available if you're an ESPN insider; otherwise you have to wait for me to post them here when I actually figure them out.

Herpes!

Friend of the blog, The Mule, axed me to write a post commenting on Michael Vick becoming the only QB in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards. So, Mule, here we go.

Here are Mike Vick's statistics for 2006: 2,474 passing yards; 52.6% completions; 20 TDs, 13 INT; 1,039 rushing yards; 2 rusing TDs. Not a bad year, Mike.

With Mike Vick at the helm, the Falcons finished the 2006 season with a 7-9 record and missed the playoffs.

When the Mule asked me to write about Vick's season, I assume he meant that I should write about what an accomplishment it is for a QB to pass for 2.500 yards and rush for 1,000; how Vick is one of a kind athlete; how the Falcons wouldn't have been waaaaaaaay better off drafting LDT and Drew Brees .... Sorry, Mule, ain't gonna happen.

Here's my take on Ron Mexico's 2006 season: rushing for 1,000 yards is pretty awesome, but that's why they have the running back position. If having your QB run for 1,000 yards gets you a 7-9 record, I'll take my chances with Peyton's retarded younger brother. Last, if a QB gaining 1,000 yards on the ground was such a good thing, then maybe the Falcons would have, you know, won at least half the games they played .... but even then they wouldn't have made the playoffs, so ...

In conclusion, Vick's season was great for fantasy owners and for kidz from Hotlanta who wish Vick had given them herpes, but not for the Falcons. But hey, you can thank Vick for getting your salt-smellin' head coach fired. I wish the next head coach of the Atlanta Falcons all the luck in the world, but someone really ought to tell him that his Qb is flat out uncoachable.