On Fridays in mid-January, when I am reduced to a couch-dwelling, weed-smoking, sloth-like stain on society, I think of two things: professional football and Bud Light. The weekend of January 13-15 should be a smashing good time for all, considering there's 14 hours of prime playoff football to witness and 3 nights of potential Bud Light debauchery (or, if you're like me, douchebaggery). Let's all give a big thank you to Marty King (or maybe we should be thanking James Earl Ray ... I'm going straight to hell).
Now that the New York Football Giants have been eliminated from Super Bowl contention by the hated Iggles (something I'm actually kind of happy about, considering I've come to despise the very team whose weekly performance determines my brain's general production level of dopamine), I can begin to concentrate on pro football's version of the "hot stove": the 2007 NFL Fucking Draft.
I've told many individuals that my last three weeks consisted of apartment searches, quality time spent with my carpetbagger parents, repeated physical assaults in Chicago on a large, cage-free gerbal disguised as an accountant, and 4 days of sniper training with a secret special forces unit that invovled a surgical procedure on mis ojos utilizing a laser. Those are all lies.
I've actually been greasing my hair back, erecting a big-board in my living room, and hosting a NFL draft-prospect combine in Riverside Park--all because I'm the self-proclaimed new Mel Kiper, Jr. If Jay Bilas can go from the courtroom to the ESPN studio, then so can I.
And now, behold the first annual Nick's Picks Mock Draft (huge E-power chord, possibly with volume pedal effect as sound fades out)
Picks 1-10
1. Oakland Raiders: JaMarcus Russell (QB, LSU)
Everyone knows that the top two picks will be QB's, and this dude's got disgusting size, a disgusting arm, and he'd look cool as shit in silver and black. With Randal "Randy" Moss giving 35% on every play, Russell could be the next Daunte Culpepper.
2. Detroit Lions: Brady Quinn (QB, Notre Dame)
If history is any guide, Matt Millen will draft Calvin Johnson, who will then, by operation of law, be out of the league picking up trash in three years. Millen's draft acumen has been analyzed here before, but we think even he can't fuck this one up. The Lions need a QB and the Irish Douchebag (I totally just made that up, but it does fit) is the obvious choice. If I were Brady Quinn, the first thing I'd do is change my name; the second thing I'd do is pull a John Elway/Eli Manning and refuse to go to the Motor City.
3. Cleveland Browns: Adrian Peterson (RB, Oklahoma)
These bottom-feeders need a QB, but with Russell and Quinn off the board, they're not going to take Brohm with the #3 overall pick. Instead, they'll take Adrian Peterson, who has the potential to be fucking sick, but also might spend the next three years nursing various injuries. This will give them three young studs at skill positions (Edwards, Winslow, Peterson); but don't start jerkin' it yet, Browns fans, the puke-orange and deuce-brown are still gonna suck dingleberries next year.
4. Minnesota Vikings from Tampa Bay Bucs: Calvin Johnson (WR, Georgia Tech)
That's right, I'm predicting a trade. Fuck off. The Vikes are desperate for a big-play WR, and Johnson looks like he could be the next Larry Fitzgerald, or even better. The Bucs need D-line help, and know that they can likely get that down at the #7 position. The Vikes will swap picks with the Bucs and throw in a second or third round this year and a 3rd or 4th rounder in '08 to get Johnson. If you've seen this m'fer play this year, you know that he looked like a catholic preist out there (...c'mon, a man playing with boyz ...)
5. Arizona Cardinals: Joe Thomas (OT, Wisconsin)
I don't know much about this beast other than that everyone and their mother says he's awesome. Works for me. Cardinals need blocking and with Thomas opposite Leonard Davis, that could be the cornerstone of a solid line for years to come. Isn't that special.
6. Washington Redskins: Gaines Adams (DE, Clemson)
I've had conversations with my insiders of the Redskins organizations, one of whom is a degenerate Gambler, and the consensus seems to be that the Skins want either a DE or a CB. Although S. Springs is gettin' on in years and Carlos Rogers didn't mature as much in his second year as the Skins brass had hoped, they're going to pass on a first round CB and look to upgrade the position with Nate Clements via free agency. This pick could also be Jamaal Anderson (DE, Arkansas), who many think is the best DE in the draft, but since Danny Snyder is a moron, he'll go with Gaines.
7. Tampa Bay Bucs from Minnesota Vikings: Jamaal Anderson (DE, Arkansas)
Although Alan Branch is viewed by many to be the top D-lineman in the draft, the Bucs need help with the pass rush (they finished 30th in sacks in 2006) and that's what Anderson will provide.
8. Houston Texans: Alan Branch (DT, Michigan)
The Texans need tons of defensive help, and while they might be better off taking LSU safety LaRon Landry, they can't pass up the opportunity to anchor their defensive line with Branch. Branch is enormous (6'-6", 330 lbs.) and was the cornerstone of a Wolverines defense that was sick at stopping the run (except against tOSU and USC ... but the Texans front office isn't smart enough to figure that one out). With Branch and Williams making up half of the Texans D-line, the potential is there for a dominant future.
9. Miami Dolphins: Leon Hall (CB, Michigan)
When you've got G-men cast-off, Will Allen, starting at corner, you could use an upgrade. Hall is the top corner in the draft, so this one's, as my man Ace Cowboy over at Slack says better than anyone else, a total Schiavo.
10. Atlanta Falcons: Dwayne Jarrett (WR, USC)
Most think LSU safety, LaRon Landry, will go here, but because I know what the fuck I'm talking about, it's going to be Jarrett: Falcons receivers were atrocious in '06 in terms of catching the ball and making big plays. As we all saw in the Rose Bowl, Jarrett is big, fast, and has great hands--finally someone for Matt Schau--I mean, Michael Vick, to throw to.
The next ten are available if you're an ESPN insider; otherwise you have to wait for me to post them here when I actually figure them out.
Friday, January 12, 2007
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
Herpes!
Friend of the blog, The Mule, axed me to write a post commenting on Michael Vick becoming the only QB in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards. So, Mule, here we go.
Here are Mike Vick's statistics for 2006: 2,474 passing yards; 52.6% completions; 20 TDs, 13 INT; 1,039 rushing yards; 2 rusing TDs. Not a bad year, Mike.
With Mike Vick at the helm, the Falcons finished the 2006 season with a 7-9 record and missed the playoffs.
When the Mule asked me to write about Vick's season, I assume he meant that I should write about what an accomplishment it is for a QB to pass for 2.500 yards and rush for 1,000; how Vick is one of a kind athlete; how the Falcons wouldn't have been waaaaaaaay better off drafting LDT and Drew Brees .... Sorry, Mule, ain't gonna happen.
Here's my take on Ron Mexico's 2006 season: rushing for 1,000 yards is pretty awesome, but that's why they have the running back position. If having your QB run for 1,000 yards gets you a 7-9 record, I'll take my chances with Peyton's retarded younger brother. Last, if a QB gaining 1,000 yards on the ground was such a good thing, then maybe the Falcons would have, you know, won at least half the games they played .... but even then they wouldn't have made the playoffs, so ...
In conclusion, Vick's season was great for fantasy owners and for kidz from Hotlanta who wish Vick had given them herpes, but not for the Falcons. But hey, you can thank Vick for getting your salt-smellin' head coach fired. I wish the next head coach of the Atlanta Falcons all the luck in the world, but someone really ought to tell him that his Qb is flat out uncoachable.
Friday, December 29, 2006
I'm Riiiiiiiiiiiich, biiiiiiii-
There's a new Barry in San Francisco these days, and he doesn't have a gigantic 'roid-head, a propensity to piss off just about everyone he comes in contact with, or a federal agency trying to land him in jail. Nope. This Barry surfs, plays the guit-box, masturbates to Jack Johnson CDs, and beholds a nasty 12-to-6 curve. Welcome to the better, less ghetto half of the Bay Area, Mr. Zito.
As you admire the view from Pac-Bell .... uh, I mean, whatever this stadium is called these days, let me just slip this piece of paper into your back pocket. What is it, you ask? Oh, nothing. Just a little check for ONE-HUNDRED and TWENTY-SIX MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS.
Sure, owners and GM's have spent most of this offseason liquored up and engaged in one of their favorite holiday pastimes--throwing enormous sums of money and long, ill-conceived, guaranteed contracts to unproven, mediocre players (e.g. Gary Matthews, Jr., Gil Meche, Alfonso Soriano--not that he's unproven, but 8 years for this guy? Are you serious?)--but 7 guaranteed years for a pitcher? $126 mil for a #2 starter? I just don't get it. This has Mike Hampton written all over it.
I really wanted Zito on the Mets next year; I wanted him on the Mets for the next 4-5 years. But our resident savior, Omar Minaya, rightly displayed fiscal restraint and passed on giving Zito the 8th guaranteed year that would have been necessary to bring him to New York.
San Francisco baseball Giants, you can have your baked Zito and eat it, too (hey-oh!).
I have nothing more to say about this, for it has totally boggled the fuck out of my mind. But there's at least one guy out there who yanked it immediately after hearing about this signing: one Carlos Zambrano. The hot-headed Cub becomes a free-agent after the 2007 season, and since he's 3 years younger than Zito, a flame-throwing bona fide ace, he should be able to bank on a modest 12 year $270 million contract. Yes, please.
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Hey youse, have a great New Year. Catarina and I are off to tropical Chicago for a little of the Nochalotapus and a side of Umphrey's McGee. A full report will follow upon my return.
Peace, brosephs.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Wolfmother
In all honesty, I really want to someday be stranded on a deserted island. Not a "desert" island, mind you, because that would totally suck, considering there'd be no trees, animals, caves, fruit or the potential for scantily-clad island chicks with coconut bikinis. A "deserted" island, one devoid of any semblance of organized society, would be pretty tight; and I'm sure if I landed on or was exiled to such an island, there would be a CD player and either an ample supply of batteries or an outlet. This would enable me to have the oft sought-after "deserted island music experience"--I'm guessing I'd be able to bring the music of 5 artists, but if I was sent away in exile I might only be permitted two. Only two? I know, a total gasp, right? How could one choose?From my perspective it's pretty easy. Over my 26 years on this earth, I've come across two bands that, as the kidz say, "own my face" more than any other: the Phish and Led Zeppelin. For my money it doesn't get any better than this, and I would have absolutely no problem whatsoever living out the rest of my days on some tropical island where I could eat raw fish, swim, chill on the beach, develop my theories regarding the nascent legal field of cave law, and listen to sick tunes from those two bands all freakin' day.
Granted, it sucks major scrotum that both these bands have called it quits and are no longer churning out face-melting and ass-kicking music. But left in the wake of the demise of Zepp and Phish are a crop of young face-melters, bringing an energy and intenstiy to their music that would make their musical "parents" proud.
While I have found more bands cast in the mold of Phish that occupy my ears as of late (Tea Leaf Green, Raq, Umphrey's McGee), I am constantly on the lookout for bands whose sound, like the masters of nordic-goth-metal-rock themselves, rapes, pillages and otherwise obliterates everything in its path. To me, the music of Led Zeppelin is like a roving gang of vikings, sweeping through villages on immense riffs; crushing buildings with colossal and destructive drums; seizing and boning your women with the help of screeching vocals, really tight jeans and a bulging crotch; and then, when it seems that there is nothing left to do but pull a General Sherman and burn that bitch to the ground, as the unstoppable force leaves town, they drink all your JD. Fuckers.
Until this past weekend I had found but one band that played no-nonesense, balls-to-the-wall, Zepp-esque music: Rose Hill Drive. If you haven't heard these dudes, you have no choice but to start listening ... now! (Go here to get your listen on)
This weekend I was fortunate enough to be reading glidemagazine.com's Top 20 albums of 2006 and decided that "Wolfmother" sounded like an awesome and potentially skull-owning band, so I legally "happened" upon their album and was blown away. At the risk of pulling another of my famous "White Stripes" episodes (I had never heard of the White Stripes until 4 months ago. After hearing them and being pretty impressed, I thought I'd let a few of my closest confidants in on this great "new" band I'd just stumbled upon. As it turns out, I think I was the only person on the face of the earth not to have heard of the White Stripes by summer '06. Evidently I need to get out of my cave more often), if you've never heard of Wolfmother, get on that shit ASAP. If my telling youse to listen to this great new band Wolfmother is like saying "you should really check out this new band The Rolling Stones," then you can lick my grundle. Either way, just fucking listen.
In keeping with my policy of no album reviews, I'll just say that they're definitely a viking power trio, and listening to them on Christmas eve night left my brain raped and pillaged, which is just the way St. Nick likes it.
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On to football.
Christ. I don't think I've ever seen a professional football team play as poorly as the Gmen did this weekend. That was scary bad. I'm not even going to rant and fume about how I'm tired of Tiki and Shockey, how Coughlin and his band of merry retards needs to go, and how Eli just stinks. Well, there you go, I just did.
The 4:00 game in the tri-state area was Cincinnati at Denver ... in the fucking snow. Booyah! Does it get any better than Christmas Eve, egg-nog w/ rum, a dank cheese h'orderve prepared by Mama Prukaz, and playoff atmosphere football in the snow? Nope. Damn, this game had it all: huge hits, a sick int from the only shutdown corner left in the NFL, an awesome late-game drive by probably the best young QB in the league, one of the classic blunders in all of sports and, oh yeah, snow. Man, if I was a Broncos fan I'd have an enormous boner for Jay Cutler; that kid's gonna be the shit.
As for the Jets/Fins game, well, that was maybe the most boring game of football I've ever seen. I guess I have to give credit where it's due, so kudos to the Jets for likely vaulting themselves into the playoffs. But I don't think there has been a more boring successful team than this year's Jets; it's like watching a bunch a' guys in green running through molasses. And if I was a receiver for the Jets, I'd kick Chad Sexington's ass--there's not a QB in this league who leaves his WRs more vulnerable to getting anniahlated by defensive backs than the Rhodes scholar. Get some mustard on that ball, Chad.
Oh, and let's all give a round of applause to the winner of AndyWon'tYouBrownBagMe II fantasy football: The Gambler. His Madden Curse squadron led by the real Manning and junk-food eatin' Marvin Harrison defeated Crablefarts' Steel Enima for the league title. Enjoy that loot, Mr. Gambler. I guess I'll let you buy me a beer at Langerado.
Werd.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Pro Football: We Know You're Awesome, but ...
It's pretty much a proven scientific fact that the NFL rocks. In terms o
f overall awesomeness, the NFL is so far ahead of the rest of the pack that neither the NBA nor NHL even registers a blip on the radar screen; and while I woudn't go so far as to say that major league baseball can't "hold a candle" to the NFL, if it does indeed have a candle in hand, it's really small, for the most part inherently unfair, pretty boring, and hidden from nearly everyone's view.
There you have it. The NFL is the undisputed king of the American sports jungle.
That being said, while I could go on and on about how the NFL kicks ass, December is national "complain about something that's actually the best shit ever" month, so I'll do my part as a god-fearing, terrorist-hating, immigrant-stomping American and bitch about what is all and good in this here land o' plenty: NFL football.
Without further Freddy Adoooooo, the top 5 things about the NFL that suck rhinocerous penis with hoison sauce (I have to credit everyone's favorite schizophrenic, head-butting pop star, Wesley Willis, for that one)
1) Tolerance for Domed Stadiums
There are a lot of 'there's nothing worse than's in life, but when speaking of football there is no doubt that domed stadiums are the worst thing that has ever happened to the NFL. People in Atlanta, New Orleans, St. Louis, Indianapolis, Minnesota and Detroit should be ashamed of themselves (but, you say, what about Arizona and Houston?--they have retractable domes, something that is indeed shameful, but as long as it's open when the game is played they're off the hook).
First, the warm-weather villains. In defense of their stadiums, supporters in Atlanta, New Orleans, Arizona and Houston invariably fall back on the "Little Girl" argument, which isn't actually an argument at all, but mere whining. When asked why these cities require domed stadiums, the response is always, "it's too hot in August and September. It would be too uncomfortbale to watch a game when it's 90 degrees and humid." Nice try, ladies. Yeah, it's hot as shit in the south and southwest during the dog-days, and I've done my fair share of perpetual sweating on the bayou, so I know what it's like. But guess what, a short drive from Atlanta puts you in Athens, GA, where those Bulldogs fight it between the hedges in an open-air stadium. You know what the average temperature in Athens is in September? 83 degrees. You know what the average temperature in Altanta is in September? That's right, Jim Cantore, 83 degrees. Sorry, Atlanta, you're a bunch of pussies.
About 45 minutes northwest of 'Nawlins is a little town called Baton Rouge. The LSU Tigers play football there in an open-air stadium in front of 90,000 cajuns every week. Average temp. in September in Baton Rouge? A balmy 87. In 'Nawlins? You guessed it, 87 f'n degrees. Arizona? Houston? Need I bust out the thermometer on your asses? I think you get the point.
The verdict: Warm-weather domes are for pussies.
Cold Weather Domes: if warm-weather domes could talk, they'd say, "man, you guys are pussies." Ouch. But if cold-weather domes could talk, the'd be sayin', "man, you guys are not only pussies, but you're stupid." Shit. If Giants Stadium ever talked to me like that, I'd kick it in the nutz. Those cold-weather domes are right, though.
Let's start with the biggest culprit of all, Minnesota, a team that used to play outdoors at Metropolitan Stadium. Seriously, Minnesota, what were you thinking? Hmm, let's see, we play a physical game that requires extreme mental toughness in one of the coldest climates on earth. How can we flush away any advantage we have over our competition? I know, let's play in-doors in a fucking vaccum. I mean, we wouldn't want to have teams be uncomfortable when they come to Minneapolis, right? Instead of having an intense, wintercoat-clad fanbase, chugging cans of beast-ice around trash-can fires in the parking lot, rallying together in the sub-freezing temperatures on frigid December nights, let's have a relaxed short-sleaved bunch a' douchebags that like to dress up in the stupidest outfits possible (i mean, what is it about the fans of teams that play in domes that they feel required to wear retarded wigs and mardi gras beads?).
Shit, Minnesota, you really f'd this one up. Since 1992 the Packers are 40-4 at home when the game-time temperature is below 34 degrees. Translation: when it's cold, you fucking win.
Detroit, Indy and St. Louis: The same thing goes for these jokesters. Yeah, I know, the Colts offense is really tough on that "fast track"; the Rams' "greatest show on turf" was essentially unstoppable; the Lions are .... whatever. The fact remains that football is a game of toughness, and that means playing the game when there's rain, snow, sleet, hail, wind, sun, clowds.
Detroit, even though you're team sucks, if you had any prospect of being anywhere in the vicinity of decent, you'd be tough at home in December if you played outside.
St. Louis, you're just lazy.
Indy, if you played outside, maybe Peyton would have learned how to not shit himself when it's not 72 with absolutley no wind in Foxboro in January.
The verdict: cold-weather domes are for pussies (obvioiusly), and they're just plain stupid.
Remember that Bears/Eagles playoff game at Soldier field back in the '80's with the crazy fog? Not possible with a dome. Patriots/Raiders blizzard in January of '02? Not possible.
2) The QB Baseball Slide
"Roughing the Passer" is kind of a weak concept. I understand that we need some penalty that deters huge D-linemen/linebackers from killing our coveted defenseless, innocent, probably-smart, puny, immobile white QB's. Fine. That's not, as they say, where the beef lies.
I take issue with the NFL's treatment of QB's after the QB has left the pocket--when those slow-ass white boyz are on the run. Let's look at a rather common occurrence: QB drops back to pass, can't find anyone to throw to, feels the pass rush, steps up in the pocket, still can't find anyone open, decides to run, scampers a few yards down field, sees a menacing defender closing in for the kill, craps himself, then decides to slide feet first baseball-style, thus avoiding the wrath of the oncoming defender.
That, my friends, is the epitome of lame. But why do we let our precious QB's avoid a hit by sliding feet first? Well, they're Qb's, right? They can't possibly withstand a good, clean, hard tackle; they're not like RB's or WR's who know how to brace for impact; they grew up playing QB, wearing the coveted red jersey during practice, never getting hit .... ever; their bones would shatter instantly; it'd be Joe Theisman after Joe Theisman after Joe Theisman ...
Enough, NFL. Your rationale is bunk and you know it. Once the QB passes the line of scrimmage he can't throw the ball, right? If he can't throw the ball, then he's no longer a QB--he's just like everyone else. And what happens to everyone else? They get hit, sometimes even hard. So here's the deal. Once the QB leaves the pocket, you can hit the shit out of him, just like any other player. And if these bitch QB's can't handle getting hit, then maybe they just shouldn't run.
In a nut-sack: just stop treating QB's like they're vaginas made out of porcelain. If they can't take the punishment, stay in the fucking pocket.
3) Turf
Just like football is meant to be played outside in the elements, it's supposed to be played on grass--real f'n grass. And while we've come a long way from the days of concrete-like astro-turf, all this new bullshit does is prevent ACL's, which is good. But there's another way to prevent ACL injuries, just play on real fucking grass. I know it's more expensive than the fake shit, and I know that the NFL is a business, but football involves tackling, and tackling involves getting hit to the ground where it's dirty.
At the end of a game football players should be covered in dirt and blood and all look like this.
4) The Fox Robots
Fox began airing NFL games in 1994. At some point between 1994 and the present, Fox decided that it would introduce the NFL game it aired with a bunch of futuristic robots playing a game of ridiculously violent, high-intensity football (which, I might add, was played in a dome). This never really made any sense to me, but it must be somewhat popular because Fox still uses these silly robots for just about everything.
Here's my problem: when Fox comes back from a commercial and they show a live-action picture of something happening on the field--in the stands, or the blimp-view of the whole stadium--and Joe Buck is telling me that this broadcast is brought to me by a bunch a bullshit, the stupid robot is in the corner of the screen jumping and stretching, ostensibly getting loose for entry into a full-contact robot football game.
Now, I'm well aware that the robot is not real, nor is any robot football game this droid may consider joining. But that doesn't change the fact that if this robot was preparing to enter a game, it wouldn't need to stretch before doing so. Plain and simple, robots don't need to stretch in order to do anything. Machines are made of non-malleable metals and wires, not muscle-tissue that contracts and expands with use. A robot does not cramp up or pull a muscle if it gets up off the bench and runs onto the field--robots, like cars, are ready to go right off the assembly line.
So, Fox robot, you can pantomime stretching all you want, but you're not fooling anyone. And if I'm the NFL, I'm telling Fox to can the whole robot schtick, unless, of course, they use the T100.
5) Matt Millen
Jeez, Matt, you stink.
Before the Lions hired Millen in 2001 to be the organization's CEO and General Manager, Millen had a grand total of zero years of front-office experience. Nice move. The year before Millen took over (the 2000 season), the Lions went 9-7 and missed the playoffs for the 7th time out of 10 seasons. Hmm, missing the playoffs 7 out of 10 seasons is pretty bad, but you know what's worse? Since Millen took over, the Lions have gone 23-72, worst in the NFL over that 5-plus year stretch.
Let's check out the moves Millen's made:
Draft Picks:
2002: Joey Harrington (#3 overall), who is now on the Dolphins. Players they could have selected include safeties Roy Williams and Ed Reed, and DE Dwight Freeny. Harrington's okay, though, since they needed a QB. Note that at the conclusion of the 2002 season the Lions ranked 31 in overall defense.
2003: Hey, Matt, we need defense, right? Wrong. Fuck that, we're picking Charles Rogers (WR from Michigan State) with the #2 overall pick. Where's Rogers now? Out of football. Sweet. Let's take a look at some of the players they could have had: Andre Johson, Terrence Newman, Troy Polomalu and Larry Johnson.
2004: You know what's worse than finishing 31st in overall defense in a 32 team league? Yep, finishing DEAD LAST. That's what the Lions did in 2003. Who needs defense when you've got studs like Joey Harrington and Charles Rogers out there. Again, fuck defense and we'll pick Roy Williams (WR Texas) with the 7th overall pick. Honestly, Williams is a stud. Nice work, Millen. But wait, we've got another first round pick! Shoudln't we really consider going with defense? Fuck you, you're fired. We're picking RB from Virginia Tech, Kevin Jones. Sure, KJ had a sick 2006 campaign ... from a fantasy standpoint. Let's see who the Lions could have picked: D'Angelo Williams, Jonathon Vilma, Tommie Harris, Chris Gamble .... brilliant.
2005: Well, the defensive gods do shine on Detroit because the Lions jumped 10 spots to finish the 2004 season with the 22 ranked defense in the league. Not bad, Matt, but with our #10 overall pick we should definitely go defense, right? Fuck you, your fired. Can't you see my huge hard-on for unproductive WR's? Let's go with Mike Williams (WR from USC), it's not like there's anyone good left in the draft who could play defense. Oh boy. Matt, I hate to break it to you, but the two picks right after you selected Williams were DeMarcus Ware and Shaun Merriman. That's cool, though.
2006: I'm guessing Millen wasn't present on draft-day, since the Lions went with Ernie Simms (OLB from FSU).
Coaching Decisions:
In 2001, Millen hired Marty Mornhinweg, who had never even held a coordinator position. Genius. In two years under Mornhinweg's leadership, the Lions went 5-27. 'Nuff said.
I'm sure Millen's a good guy and he sure as hell was a sick middle linebacker (he won 3 superbowls), but Roger Goodell's got to get Millen the F out of Detroit 'cuz he fuckin' sucks
Evidently I'm not the only one who thinks Millen stinks. It appears some Lions fans are trying to get people to walk out of this Sunday's home game against Chicago. Good luck with all that.
Snoogins.
f overall awesomeness, the NFL is so far ahead of the rest of the pack that neither the NBA nor NHL even registers a blip on the radar screen; and while I woudn't go so far as to say that major league baseball can't "hold a candle" to the NFL, if it does indeed have a candle in hand, it's really small, for the most part inherently unfair, pretty boring, and hidden from nearly everyone's view.There you have it. The NFL is the undisputed king of the American sports jungle.
That being said, while I could go on and on about how the NFL kicks ass, December is national "complain about something that's actually the best shit ever" month, so I'll do my part as a god-fearing, terrorist-hating, immigrant-stomping American and bitch about what is all and good in this here land o' plenty: NFL football.
Without further Freddy Adoooooo, the top 5 things about the NFL that suck rhinocerous penis with hoison sauce (I have to credit everyone's favorite schizophrenic, head-butting pop star, Wesley Willis, for that one)
1) Tolerance for Domed Stadiums
There are a lot of 'there's nothing worse than's in life, but when speaking of football there is no doubt that domed stadiums are the worst thing that has ever happened to the NFL. People in Atlanta, New Orleans, St. Louis, Indianapolis, Minnesota and Detroit should be ashamed of themselves (but, you say, what about Arizona and Houston?--they have retractable domes, something that is indeed shameful, but as long as it's open when the game is played they're off the hook).
First, the warm-weather villains. In defense of their stadiums, supporters in Atlanta, New Orleans, Arizona and Houston invariably fall back on the "Little Girl" argument, which isn't actually an argument at all, but mere whining. When asked why these cities require domed stadiums, the response is always, "it's too hot in August and September. It would be too uncomfortbale to watch a game when it's 90 degrees and humid." Nice try, ladies. Yeah, it's hot as shit in the south and southwest during the dog-days, and I've done my fair share of perpetual sweating on the bayou, so I know what it's like. But guess what, a short drive from Atlanta puts you in Athens, GA, where those Bulldogs fight it between the hedges in an open-air stadium. You know what the average temperature in Athens is in September? 83 degrees. You know what the average temperature in Altanta is in September? That's right, Jim Cantore, 83 degrees. Sorry, Atlanta, you're a bunch of pussies.
About 45 minutes northwest of 'Nawlins is a little town called Baton Rouge. The LSU Tigers play football there in an open-air stadium in front of 90,000 cajuns every week. Average temp. in September in Baton Rouge? A balmy 87. In 'Nawlins? You guessed it, 87 f'n degrees. Arizona? Houston? Need I bust out the thermometer on your asses? I think you get the point.
The verdict: Warm-weather domes are for pussies.
Cold Weather Domes: if warm-weather domes could talk, they'd say, "man, you guys are pussies." Ouch. But if cold-weather domes could talk, the'd be sayin', "man, you guys are not only pussies, but you're stupid." Shit. If Giants Stadium ever talked to me like that, I'd kick it in the nutz. Those cold-weather domes are right, though.
Let's start with the biggest culprit of all, Minnesota, a team that used to play outdoors at Metropolitan Stadium. Seriously, Minnesota, what were you thinking? Hmm, let's see, we play a physical game that requires extreme mental toughness in one of the coldest climates on earth. How can we flush away any advantage we have over our competition? I know, let's play in-doors in a fucking vaccum. I mean, we wouldn't want to have teams be uncomfortable when they come to Minneapolis, right? Instead of having an intense, wintercoat-clad fanbase, chugging cans of beast-ice around trash-can fires in the parking lot, rallying together in the sub-freezing temperatures on frigid December nights, let's have a relaxed short-sleaved bunch a' douchebags that like to dress up in the stupidest outfits possible (i mean, what is it about the fans of teams that play in domes that they feel required to wear retarded wigs and mardi gras beads?).
Shit, Minnesota, you really f'd this one up. Since 1992 the Packers are 40-4 at home when the game-time temperature is below 34 degrees. Translation: when it's cold, you fucking win.
Detroit, Indy and St. Louis: The same thing goes for these jokesters. Yeah, I know, the Colts offense is really tough on that "fast track"; the Rams' "greatest show on turf" was essentially unstoppable; the Lions are .... whatever. The fact remains that football is a game of toughness, and that means playing the game when there's rain, snow, sleet, hail, wind, sun, clowds.
Detroit, even though you're team sucks, if you had any prospect of being anywhere in the vicinity of decent, you'd be tough at home in December if you played outside.
St. Louis, you're just lazy.
Indy, if you played outside, maybe Peyton would have learned how to not shit himself when it's not 72 with absolutley no wind in Foxboro in January.
The verdict: cold-weather domes are for pussies (obvioiusly), and they're just plain stupid.
Remember that Bears/Eagles playoff game at Soldier field back in the '80's with the crazy fog? Not possible with a dome. Patriots/Raiders blizzard in January of '02? Not possible.
2) The QB Baseball Slide
"Roughing the Passer" is kind of a weak concept. I understand that we need some penalty that deters huge D-linemen/linebackers from killing our coveted defenseless, innocent, probably-smart, puny, immobile white QB's. Fine. That's not, as they say, where the beef lies.
I take issue with the NFL's treatment of QB's after the QB has left the pocket--when those slow-ass white boyz are on the run. Let's look at a rather common occurrence: QB drops back to pass, can't find anyone to throw to, feels the pass rush, steps up in the pocket, still can't find anyone open, decides to run, scampers a few yards down field, sees a menacing defender closing in for the kill, craps himself, then decides to slide feet first baseball-style, thus avoiding the wrath of the oncoming defender.
That, my friends, is the epitome of lame. But why do we let our precious QB's avoid a hit by sliding feet first? Well, they're Qb's, right? They can't possibly withstand a good, clean, hard tackle; they're not like RB's or WR's who know how to brace for impact; they grew up playing QB, wearing the coveted red jersey during practice, never getting hit .... ever; their bones would shatter instantly; it'd be Joe Theisman after Joe Theisman after Joe Theisman ...
Enough, NFL. Your rationale is bunk and you know it. Once the QB passes the line of scrimmage he can't throw the ball, right? If he can't throw the ball, then he's no longer a QB--he's just like everyone else. And what happens to everyone else? They get hit, sometimes even hard. So here's the deal. Once the QB leaves the pocket, you can hit the shit out of him, just like any other player. And if these bitch QB's can't handle getting hit, then maybe they just shouldn't run.
In a nut-sack: just stop treating QB's like they're vaginas made out of porcelain. If they can't take the punishment, stay in the fucking pocket.
3) Turf
Just like football is meant to be played outside in the elements, it's supposed to be played on grass--real f'n grass. And while we've come a long way from the days of concrete-like astro-turf, all this new bullshit does is prevent ACL's, which is good. But there's another way to prevent ACL injuries, just play on real fucking grass. I know it's more expensive than the fake shit, and I know that the NFL is a business, but football involves tackling, and tackling involves getting hit to the ground where it's dirty.
At the end of a game football players should be covered in dirt and blood and all look like this.
4) The Fox Robots
Fox began airing NFL games in 1994. At some point between 1994 and the present, Fox decided that it would introduce the NFL game it aired with a bunch of futuristic robots playing a game of ridiculously violent, high-intensity football (which, I might add, was played in a dome). This never really made any sense to me, but it must be somewhat popular because Fox still uses these silly robots for just about everything.
Here's my problem: when Fox comes back from a commercial and they show a live-action picture of something happening on the field--in the stands, or the blimp-view of the whole stadium--and Joe Buck is telling me that this broadcast is brought to me by a bunch a bullshit, the stupid robot is in the corner of the screen jumping and stretching, ostensibly getting loose for entry into a full-contact robot football game.
Now, I'm well aware that the robot is not real, nor is any robot football game this droid may consider joining. But that doesn't change the fact that if this robot was preparing to enter a game, it wouldn't need to stretch before doing so. Plain and simple, robots don't need to stretch in order to do anything. Machines are made of non-malleable metals and wires, not muscle-tissue that contracts and expands with use. A robot does not cramp up or pull a muscle if it gets up off the bench and runs onto the field--robots, like cars, are ready to go right off the assembly line.
So, Fox robot, you can pantomime stretching all you want, but you're not fooling anyone. And if I'm the NFL, I'm telling Fox to can the whole robot schtick, unless, of course, they use the T100.
5) Matt Millen
Jeez, Matt, you stink.
Before the Lions hired Millen in 2001 to be the organization's CEO and General Manager, Millen had a grand total of zero years of front-office experience. Nice move. The year before Millen took over (the 2000 season), the Lions went 9-7 and missed the playoffs for the 7th time out of 10 seasons. Hmm, missing the playoffs 7 out of 10 seasons is pretty bad, but you know what's worse? Since Millen took over, the Lions have gone 23-72, worst in the NFL over that 5-plus year stretch.
Let's check out the moves Millen's made:
Draft Picks:
2002: Joey Harrington (#3 overall), who is now on the Dolphins. Players they could have selected include safeties Roy Williams and Ed Reed, and DE Dwight Freeny. Harrington's okay, though, since they needed a QB. Note that at the conclusion of the 2002 season the Lions ranked 31 in overall defense.
2003: Hey, Matt, we need defense, right? Wrong. Fuck that, we're picking Charles Rogers (WR from Michigan State) with the #2 overall pick. Where's Rogers now? Out of football. Sweet. Let's take a look at some of the players they could have had: Andre Johson, Terrence Newman, Troy Polomalu and Larry Johnson.
2004: You know what's worse than finishing 31st in overall defense in a 32 team league? Yep, finishing DEAD LAST. That's what the Lions did in 2003. Who needs defense when you've got studs like Joey Harrington and Charles Rogers out there. Again, fuck defense and we'll pick Roy Williams (WR Texas) with the 7th overall pick. Honestly, Williams is a stud. Nice work, Millen. But wait, we've got another first round pick! Shoudln't we really consider going with defense? Fuck you, you're fired. We're picking RB from Virginia Tech, Kevin Jones. Sure, KJ had a sick 2006 campaign ... from a fantasy standpoint. Let's see who the Lions could have picked: D'Angelo Williams, Jonathon Vilma, Tommie Harris, Chris Gamble .... brilliant.
2005: Well, the defensive gods do shine on Detroit because the Lions jumped 10 spots to finish the 2004 season with the 22 ranked defense in the league. Not bad, Matt, but with our #10 overall pick we should definitely go defense, right? Fuck you, your fired. Can't you see my huge hard-on for unproductive WR's? Let's go with Mike Williams (WR from USC), it's not like there's anyone good left in the draft who could play defense. Oh boy. Matt, I hate to break it to you, but the two picks right after you selected Williams were DeMarcus Ware and Shaun Merriman. That's cool, though.
2006: I'm guessing Millen wasn't present on draft-day, since the Lions went with Ernie Simms (OLB from FSU).
Coaching Decisions:
In 2001, Millen hired Marty Mornhinweg, who had never even held a coordinator position. Genius. In two years under Mornhinweg's leadership, the Lions went 5-27. 'Nuff said.
I'm sure Millen's a good guy and he sure as hell was a sick middle linebacker (he won 3 superbowls), but Roger Goodell's got to get Millen the F out of Detroit 'cuz he fuckin' sucks
Evidently I'm not the only one who thinks Millen stinks. It appears some Lions fans are trying to get people to walk out of this Sunday's home game against Chicago. Good luck with all that.
Snoogins.
Hiatus Is Over
As I predicted on December 7, it was indeed a fortnight before another post found its way to this here pinko-commie rag. 14 days, to be exact, which is the definition of a "fortnight," so .... yeah.My only hope is that this post-hiatus period doesn't proceed ike Phish's ... you know, described as sloppy, unspirited, predictable; and god forbid if anyone comments that this rag has "jumped the shark" or "run its course." On the bright side, however, if events do transpire in the manner just described, at least I have a DWI and a possession of controlled substances charge to look forward to. So I've got that going for me, which is nice.
Incidentally, as I write this I'm devouring my second kruller from Dunkin' Donuts. While past readers of this site (all three of you) may have surmised that I am what the French call a "cheeseophile," I'm also a sucker for fried dough and coffee. In addition to praising the quality of their fine donuts, the people at this particular Dunkin' Donuts get extra accolades for what I am about to describe. Is there anything worse in life than getting rung up at a store for something that costs $2.01, realizing you have no pennies because you have an irrational fear of them, handing over three singles, and then getting $0.99 in return? Is there? I don't think so.
Loose changee should be outlawed, mainly because it's dumb and small, and also because I never remember and am too scared to bring any of it with me. So, after ringing me up for $2.01 for my coffee, I started to hand over my remaining three singles, thinking I'd come away from this transaction with nothng but a pocket full a' worthless, disgusting change (4 of which would be pennies). But alas, the kind Dn'D lady waived off the thrid single and sent me on my way with a steamin' cup of joe and no pennies.
That, my friends, is how to start off a sick post-hiatus run.
It's recently come to my attention, though, that the pholks over at urbandictionary.com have chosen to define the term "cheeseophile" as: someone who engages in sexual activity with dairy products, in particular cheese. Okay, okay ... I know what you're thinking. Because I talk about cheese a lot and my first name is "Steppenwolf," I'm as prime a candidate as there is to be one of those guys who forces his bird into a wedge of brie over and over again, or takes his semi-melted sticks of butter like a suppository.
But no, the kind people at urbandictionary are clearly only out for quick, cheap laughs, something that we here at CYA (that's the dumbest shortened name for a publication that I've ever heard) find despicable and offensive. While Urbandictionary has chosen to use "pedophile" as it's root-word, I'm going to take, as Jacque Vaughn said prior to snubbing the NBA and its millions for his senior season at Kansas, "the road less travelled" and rise above an endorsement of child molestation. If you break down "cheeseophile," you have "cheese" and "phile," and as we all know "phile" is merely a fancy-boy way of saying "lover of," or "enthusiast." So there you have it. I do not enjoy having relations with dairy products, and I would never think of, ahem, "entering" brie without its consent (actually, if I was going to have non-consensual intercourse with a piece of cheese, It'd probably be with that harlot, brie). The point here is that I'm a cheese-enthusiast. Enough.
Sit tight, sports will follow.
Thursday, December 7, 2006
Jeez, I'm sorry, okay?
In my pretend world, the one that cards me at the door before sleep and kicks me out on my ass upon waking, people actually read this here site. I worry about these pretend readers, mainly because I haven't posted anything since the first of the month and they're probably bored and pissed. For this I apologize.
I have a good excuse, though. Twice a year, for roughly two to three weeks at a time, I adopt a persona so wicked and vile that it could be attributed to only one source--law school. In order to gradumatate next spring, I have to pass these bullshit classes, and to do that, I have to get my study on. So, for about a fortnight posts will be minimal, and when they do arrive, like this one they will suck ballz.
Here's some stuff that must be said:
1) Here in the center of the universe those who control the weather have decided to make it really cold overnight and then possibly snow tomorrow. As we all know, snow is generally the shit. And while there are a multitude of reasons why snow rocks, at the top of the list (and with no apparent challengers) is football in the snow. Fuck yeah. So, if and when I rule the world, my first order of business will be a short decree mandating that during the NFL season, if it's going to snow in any city that would host a football game that week, the game must be played on the day in which it snows. So, tomorrow would feature the Bills at Jets across the mighty Hudson in the dirty-dirty. Sick.
2) As much as the "children should be neither seen nor heard" idea is kinda cool, it's pretty tough to pull off. That being said, kids under the age of 18 shouldn't be allowed to ride mass-transit in major cities. They're annoying as hell and I generally want to fight them all when I ride the subway. If I acted on my instincts, I'd go to jail, which wouldn't be good at this point in my life. So, kidz, let's all come together and keep my ass out of jail; just shut up and walk home from school.
3) Chap-stick is necessary but lame. In the winter months, the wind and cold make my lips all chapped and shit, and that sucks. The only remedy that makes sense is to use chap-stick, but it feels all weird on my lips and I feel like a complete douche when I put it on. So .... yeah.
4) I don't particularly like album reviews, mainly because they don't relay any information that you couldn't get by just listening to the album yourself. The album review is fundamentally different than the live-show review in that the live-show review involves a reaction to a musical performance that could never be duplicated ... it's a review of an experience. The album review, on the other hand, is nothing more than one dumbass's take on something that never changes. If you want to know if an album's good, just sit down and listen to it yourself. Sheesh. With that, I give you my first album review.
I listened to The New Pornographer's latest release, "Twin Cinema." There was a time in my life where my attitude towards all things "hipster" was total condescension. While I still think that tight jeans, ironic tee-shirts, horn-rimmed glasses, wacky hair, mesh hats and cans of old-school beer are stupid, I'm not a a complete dick toward the "hipster" scene anymore. Anyway, "Twin Cinema" is pretty "indie," which I'm not that big a fan of, but it's alright.
The verdict: sit down and listen to it yourself.
That's it for now. If over the next two weeks you're looking to procrastinate or just read some shit, check out my man Ace's blog--it's a good read, updated daily, and loaded with links, music, news and other crap that's interesting, funny, bizarre, and awesome.
Werd, kidz.
I have a good excuse, though. Twice a year, for roughly two to three weeks at a time, I adopt a persona so wicked and vile that it could be attributed to only one source--law school. In order to gradumatate next spring, I have to pass these bullshit classes, and to do that, I have to get my study on. So, for about a fortnight posts will be minimal, and when they do arrive, like this one they will suck ballz.
Here's some stuff that must be said:
1) Here in the center of the universe those who control the weather have decided to make it really cold overnight and then possibly snow tomorrow. As we all know, snow is generally the shit. And while there are a multitude of reasons why snow rocks, at the top of the list (and with no apparent challengers) is football in the snow. Fuck yeah. So, if and when I rule the world, my first order of business will be a short decree mandating that during the NFL season, if it's going to snow in any city that would host a football game that week, the game must be played on the day in which it snows. So, tomorrow would feature the Bills at Jets across the mighty Hudson in the dirty-dirty. Sick.
2) As much as the "children should be neither seen nor heard" idea is kinda cool, it's pretty tough to pull off. That being said, kids under the age of 18 shouldn't be allowed to ride mass-transit in major cities. They're annoying as hell and I generally want to fight them all when I ride the subway. If I acted on my instincts, I'd go to jail, which wouldn't be good at this point in my life. So, kidz, let's all come together and keep my ass out of jail; just shut up and walk home from school.
3) Chap-stick is necessary but lame. In the winter months, the wind and cold make my lips all chapped and shit, and that sucks. The only remedy that makes sense is to use chap-stick, but it feels all weird on my lips and I feel like a complete douche when I put it on. So .... yeah.
4) I don't particularly like album reviews, mainly because they don't relay any information that you couldn't get by just listening to the album yourself. The album review is fundamentally different than the live-show review in that the live-show review involves a reaction to a musical performance that could never be duplicated ... it's a review of an experience. The album review, on the other hand, is nothing more than one dumbass's take on something that never changes. If you want to know if an album's good, just sit down and listen to it yourself. Sheesh. With that, I give you my first album review.
I listened to The New Pornographer's latest release, "Twin Cinema." There was a time in my life where my attitude towards all things "hipster" was total condescension. While I still think that tight jeans, ironic tee-shirts, horn-rimmed glasses, wacky hair, mesh hats and cans of old-school beer are stupid, I'm not a a complete dick toward the "hipster" scene anymore. Anyway, "Twin Cinema" is pretty "indie," which I'm not that big a fan of, but it's alright.
The verdict: sit down and listen to it yourself.
That's it for now. If over the next two weeks you're looking to procrastinate or just read some shit, check out my man Ace's blog--it's a good read, updated daily, and loaded with links, music, news and other crap that's interesting, funny, bizarre, and awesome.
Werd, kidz.
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