Pro Football: We Know You're Awesome, but ...

It's pretty much a proven scientific fact that the NFL rocks. In terms of overall awesomeness, the NFL is so far ahead of the rest of the pack that neither the NBA nor NHL even registers a blip on the radar screen; and while I woudn't go so far as to say that major league baseball can't "hold a candle" to the NFL, if it does indeed have a candle in hand, it's really small, for the most part inherently unfair, pretty boring, and hidden from nearly everyone's view.

There you have it. The NFL is the undisputed king of the American sports jungle.

That being said, while I could go on and on about how the NFL kicks ass, December is national "complain about something that's actually the best shit ever" month, so I'll do my part as a god-fearing, terrorist-hating, immigrant-stomping American and bitch about what is all and good in this here land o' plenty: NFL football.

Without further Freddy Adoooooo, the top 5 things about the NFL that suck rhinocerous penis with hoison sauce (I have to credit everyone's favorite schizophrenic, head-butting pop star, Wesley Willis, for that one)

1) Tolerance for Domed Stadiums

There are a lot of 'there's nothing worse than's in life, but when speaking of football there is no doubt that domed stadiums are the worst thing that has ever happened to the NFL. People in Atlanta, New Orleans, St. Louis, Indianapolis, Minnesota and Detroit should be ashamed of themselves (but, you say, what about Arizona and Houston?--they have retractable domes, something that is indeed shameful, but as long as it's open when the game is played they're off the hook).

First, the warm-weather villains. In defense of their stadiums, supporters in Atlanta, New Orleans, Arizona and Houston invariably fall back on the "Little Girl" argument, which isn't actually an argument at all, but mere whining. When asked why these cities require domed stadiums, the response is always, "it's too hot in August and September. It would be too uncomfortbale to watch a game when it's 90 degrees and humid." Nice try, ladies. Yeah, it's hot as shit in the south and southwest during the dog-days, and I've done my fair share of perpetual sweating on the bayou, so I know what it's like. But guess what, a short drive from Atlanta puts you in Athens, GA, where those Bulldogs fight it between the hedges in an open-air stadium. You know what the average temperature in Athens is in September? 83 degrees. You know what the average temperature in Altanta is in September? That's right, Jim Cantore, 83 degrees. Sorry, Atlanta, you're a bunch of pussies.

About 45 minutes northwest of 'Nawlins is a little town called Baton Rouge. The LSU Tigers play football there in an open-air stadium in front of 90,000 cajuns every week. Average temp. in September in Baton Rouge? A balmy 87. In 'Nawlins? You guessed it, 87 f'n degrees. Arizona? Houston? Need I bust out the thermometer on your asses? I think you get the point.

The verdict: Warm-weather domes are for pussies.

Cold Weather Domes: if warm-weather domes could talk, they'd say, "man, you guys are pussies." Ouch. But if cold-weather domes could talk, the'd be sayin', "man, you guys are not only pussies, but you're stupid." Shit. If Giants Stadium ever talked to me like that, I'd kick it in the nutz. Those cold-weather domes are right, though.

Let's start with the biggest culprit of all, Minnesota, a team that used to play outdoors at Metropolitan Stadium. Seriously, Minnesota, what were you thinking? Hmm, let's see, we play a physical game that requires extreme mental toughness in one of the coldest climates on earth. How can we flush away any advantage we have over our competition? I know, let's play in-doors in a fucking vaccum. I mean, we wouldn't want to have teams be uncomfortable when they come to Minneapolis, right? Instead of having an intense, wintercoat-clad fanbase, chugging cans of beast-ice around trash-can fires in the parking lot, rallying together in the sub-freezing temperatures on frigid December nights, let's have a relaxed short-sleaved bunch a' douchebags that like to dress up in the stupidest outfits possible (i mean, what is it about the fans of teams that play in domes that they feel required to wear retarded wigs and mardi gras beads?).

Shit, Minnesota, you really f'd this one up. Since 1992 the Packers are 40-4 at home when the game-time temperature is below 34 degrees. Translation: when it's cold, you fucking win.

Detroit, Indy and St. Louis: The same thing goes for these jokesters. Yeah, I know, the Colts offense is really tough on that "fast track"; the Rams' "greatest show on turf" was essentially unstoppable; the Lions are .... whatever. The fact remains that football is a game of toughness, and that means playing the game when there's rain, snow, sleet, hail, wind, sun, clowds.

Detroit, even though you're team sucks, if you had any prospect of being anywhere in the vicinity of decent, you'd be tough at home in December if you played outside.

St. Louis, you're just lazy.

Indy, if you played outside, maybe Peyton would have learned how to not shit himself when it's not 72 with absolutley no wind in Foxboro in January.

The verdict: cold-weather domes are for pussies (obvioiusly), and they're just plain stupid.

Remember that Bears/Eagles playoff game at Soldier field back in the '80's with the crazy fog? Not possible with a dome. Patriots/Raiders blizzard in January of '02? Not possible.

2) The QB Baseball Slide

"Roughing the Passer" is kind of a weak concept. I understand that we need some penalty that deters huge D-linemen/linebackers from killing our coveted defenseless, innocent, probably-smart, puny, immobile white QB's. Fine. That's not, as they say, where the beef lies.

I take issue with the NFL's treatment of QB's after the QB has left the pocket--when those slow-ass white boyz are on the run. Let's look at a rather common occurrence: QB drops back to pass, can't find anyone to throw to, feels the pass rush, steps up in the pocket, still can't find anyone open, decides to run, scampers a few yards down field, sees a menacing defender closing in for the kill, craps himself, then decides to slide feet first baseball-style, thus avoiding the wrath of the oncoming defender.

That, my friends, is the epitome of lame. But why do we let our precious QB's avoid a hit by sliding feet first? Well, they're Qb's, right? They can't possibly withstand a good, clean, hard tackle; they're not like RB's or WR's who know how to brace for impact; they grew up playing QB, wearing the coveted red jersey during practice, never getting hit .... ever; their bones would shatter instantly; it'd be Joe Theisman after Joe Theisman after Joe Theisman ...

Enough, NFL. Your rationale is bunk and you know it. Once the QB passes the line of scrimmage he can't throw the ball, right? If he can't throw the ball, then he's no longer a QB--he's just like everyone else. And what happens to everyone else? They get hit, sometimes even hard. So here's the deal. Once the QB leaves the pocket, you can hit the shit out of him, just like any other player. And if these bitch QB's can't handle getting hit, then maybe they just shouldn't run.

In a nut-sack: just stop treating QB's like they're vaginas made out of porcelain. If they can't take the punishment, stay in the fucking pocket.

3) Turf

Just like football is meant to be played outside in the elements, it's supposed to be played on grass--real f'n grass. And while we've come a long way from the days of concrete-like astro-turf, all this new bullshit does is prevent ACL's, which is good. But there's another way to prevent ACL injuries, just play on real fucking grass. I know it's more expensive than the fake shit, and I know that the NFL is a business, but football involves tackling, and tackling involves getting hit to the ground where it's dirty.

At the end of a game football players should be covered in dirt and blood and all look like this.

4) The Fox Robots

Fox began airing NFL games in 1994. At some point between 1994 and the present, Fox decided that it would introduce the NFL game it aired with a bunch of futuristic robots playing a game of ridiculously violent, high-intensity football (which, I might add, was played in a dome). This never really made any sense to me, but it must be somewhat popular because Fox still uses these silly robots for just about everything.

Here's my problem: when Fox comes back from a commercial and they show a live-action picture of something happening on the field--in the stands, or the blimp-view of the whole stadium--and Joe Buck is telling me that this broadcast is brought to me by a bunch a bullshit, the stupid robot is in the corner of the screen jumping and stretching, ostensibly getting loose for entry into a full-contact robot football game.

Now, I'm well aware that the robot is not real, nor is any robot football game this droid may consider joining. But that doesn't change the fact that if this robot was preparing to enter a game, it wouldn't need to stretch before doing so. Plain and simple, robots don't need to stretch in order to do anything. Machines are made of non-malleable metals and wires, not muscle-tissue that contracts and expands with use. A robot does not cramp up or pull a muscle if it gets up off the bench and runs onto the field--robots, like cars, are ready to go right off the assembly line.

So, Fox robot, you can pantomime stretching all you want, but you're not fooling anyone. And if I'm the NFL, I'm telling Fox to can the whole robot schtick, unless, of course, they use the T100.

5) Matt Millen

Jeez, Matt, you stink.

Before the Lions hired Millen in 2001 to be the organization's CEO and General Manager, Millen had a grand total of zero years of front-office experience. Nice move. The year before Millen took over (the 2000 season), the Lions went 9-7 and missed the playoffs for the 7th time out of 10 seasons. Hmm, missing the playoffs 7 out of 10 seasons is pretty bad, but you know what's worse? Since Millen took over, the Lions have gone 23-72, worst in the NFL over that 5-plus year stretch.

Let's check out the moves Millen's made:

Draft Picks:

2002: Joey Harrington (#3 overall), who is now on the Dolphins. Players they could have selected include safeties Roy Williams and Ed Reed, and DE Dwight Freeny. Harrington's okay, though, since they needed a QB. Note that at the conclusion of the 2002 season the Lions ranked 31 in overall defense.

2003: Hey, Matt, we need defense, right? Wrong. Fuck that, we're picking Charles Rogers (WR from Michigan State) with the #2 overall pick. Where's Rogers now? Out of football. Sweet. Let's take a look at some of the players they could have had: Andre Johson, Terrence Newman, Troy Polomalu and Larry Johnson.

2004: You know what's worse than finishing 31st in overall defense in a 32 team league? Yep, finishing DEAD LAST. That's what the Lions did in 2003. Who needs defense when you've got studs like Joey Harrington and Charles Rogers out there. Again, fuck defense and we'll pick Roy Williams (WR Texas) with the 7th overall pick. Honestly, Williams is a stud. Nice work, Millen. But wait, we've got another first round pick! Shoudln't we really consider going with defense? Fuck you, you're fired. We're picking RB from Virginia Tech, Kevin Jones. Sure, KJ had a sick 2006 campaign ... from a fantasy standpoint. Let's see who the Lions could have picked: D'Angelo Williams, Jonathon Vilma, Tommie Harris, Chris Gamble .... brilliant.

2005: Well, the defensive gods do shine on Detroit because the Lions jumped 10 spots to finish the 2004 season with the 22 ranked defense in the league. Not bad, Matt, but with our #10 overall pick we should definitely go defense, right? Fuck you, your fired. Can't you see my huge hard-on for unproductive WR's? Let's go with Mike Williams (WR from USC), it's not like there's anyone good left in the draft who could play defense. Oh boy. Matt, I hate to break it to you, but the two picks right after you selected Williams were DeMarcus Ware and Shaun Merriman. That's cool, though.

2006: I'm guessing Millen wasn't present on draft-day, since the Lions went with Ernie Simms (OLB from FSU).

Coaching Decisions:

In 2001, Millen hired Marty Mornhinweg, who had never even held a coordinator position. Genius. In two years under Mornhinweg's leadership, the Lions went 5-27. 'Nuff said.

I'm sure Millen's a good guy and he sure as hell was a sick middle linebacker (he won 3 superbowls), but Roger Goodell's got to get Millen the F out of Detroit 'cuz he fuckin' sucks

Evidently I'm not the only one who thinks Millen stinks. It appears some Lions fans are trying to get people to walk out of this Sunday's home game against Chicago. Good luck with all that.

Snoogins.