Gimme That!

As I'm sure you're all aware, Miami Internatioal Airport security personnel confiscated a water bottle from Falcons QB Michael Vick prior to his boarding an Airtran flight destined for Atlanta. The water bottle had a hidden compartment that allegedly smelled of marijuana and contained a "substance." Hmm. Criminal charges have yet to be filed against Vick, but Falcons owner, Arthur Blank, and the rest of the dirty-bird's brass are pissed--and rightfully so. 3 years ago Blank signed Vick to a preposterous $137 million contract, at the time the NFL's richest. We here at Calmner'n You Are don't think Vick's that great a QB. The m'fer can sure as shit run around the field with the best of 'em, but in terms of Vladimir Putin that ball where it needs to be, Vick ain't worth the un-flushed log a' shit fermenting in my crapper.

Frankly, though, I can't get mad at Vick for smoking the weed. Everyone does it, especially pro athletes. If I signed a contract for anywhere near $137 million, you can be damned sure I'd be smoking weed all the time, which, for better or worse, wouldn't even be that much more of a frequent occurrence than it is now. (Ir)regardless, while Vick probably doesn't deserve the vitriol being spewed forth by the likes of racist Falcons fans and ESPN, he should be chastised by the stoner community for what amounts to nothing less than sheer ganja-stupidity.

Mike Vick should be charged with the following weed stupidity crimes:

Weed Stupidity Crime #1: Reckless Weed Storage
Oh how I pine for the days when you could strut through airport security with an enormous bag of weed in your pocket. Damn you 9-11 terrorists. You not only ushered in a seemingly endless era of ridiculous foreign policy defined by an amorphous "war on terror," but you made it difficult as shit to get contraband of any kind onto an airplane. Fuckers.

Nowadays, if one has the audacity to bring weed onto an airplane, he must make sure that if he's "chosen" to be violated by an overweight TSA 'broad at the security checkpoint, she won't discover his stash and convert his roundtrip ticket from JFK to Runaway Bay to a non-stop, one-way boarding pass to lovely Guantanamo Bay.

If you absolutely must travel with any form of contraband, the easiest method of transport is the ole' tape-job. Ya' know whatcha' fuckin' do? First, wear baggy pants. Second, if you're a dude, tape the bag to your nutz (if you're a crazy broad, either stick it in your underwears, or tape it to your leg). That's it.

While those employed by the TSA are not rocket scientists, the hidden compartment trick doesn't fool anyone. C'mon, Mike, we all know you and Marcus didn't just start smokin' yesterday.

Weed Stupidity Crime #2: Stash Violation by a Rich Dude

Mike, you're really fuckin' rich. There's no reason why you should need to bring whatever weed you were smokin' in South Beach back to Atlanta. And if you've got a connection problem in Atlanta, get Ludacris on the horn; I'm sure he can help you out.

Weed Stupidity Crime #3: Rich Dude Carrying Own Supply

If you're rich like Mike Vick, I'm sure you travel with your "homies." And if you're rich like Mike Vick, you can afford to have a member of your posse carry your contraband for you. The point here is that if you're stupid enough to try and carry weed onto a plane, at least have the presence of mind to make one of your crew carry it for you ...

Weed Stupidity Crime #4: It's a Fucking Water Bottle, Dumbass!

This one's not exactly a weed-crime, per se, but you've got to be stupid nonetheless to be guilty of it. Unless you've been living in a cave for the last year (speaking of caves, you've got to try some delicious cave-aged gruyere--sicknasty), you know that the TSA has a hard-on for bottles of liquid passengers attempt to bring on a plane.

This is a stupidity double-whammy of sorts. First, we've got Vick attempting to bring a waterbottle onto a plane. Not sure what the thought process is on that one, but it's pretty effin' stupid. Then we've got the hidden compartment trick ... in a water bottle. Ugh.

The long and the short of this is that Vick will get blasted in the media and likely will be forced to enter a drug-treatment program to treat his "addiction." The real story, though, is that Vick is a moron.

Moral of the story? Sure. $137 million can buy you a shitload of weed, but evidently not enough to warrant disposing of your hidden compartment water bottle before you attempt to pass through security at notoriously drug-unfriendly Miami Fucking International Airport.

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Paulie Walnuts phrase of the day: "Malignant Cunt"

In season 4 of the Sopranos, Paulie has put his mah, Nucci, in Green Grove, a high-end retirement home. Sadly, Mrs. Gualtieri has difficulty making friends and is effectively shunned by the community, led by Minn Martone and Cookie Cirillo, old friends of Nucci. In a meeting between Paulie and Cookie's son, Chucky, who Paulie knows from his childhood days, Paulie presses Chucky to get his mom to be nicer to Nucci--it is at this point that Paulie refers to Minn Martone as an instigator and a "malignant cunt." Well said, Paulie.

So, the next time you feel the need to utter a "dirty slut," "filthy ho'" or "stupid bitch"--try a "malignant cunt" on for size. Fits nice, right?

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For all you Rose Hill Drive fanatics out there, ever wonder what the band would sound like if it played the Band of Gypsies album in full? If so, then you might want to give this download a test drive (hey-oh!). Thanks to the guys over at Hidden Track for the heads up on this sick show.

Read what author of Hidden Track's weekly edition of "Grousing the Aisles," Scott Bernstein, had to say about this show here.

Lastly, if you're a music fan and not checking Hidden Track on a daily (if not hourly) basis, you're as stupid as Mike Vick.