Nick's Picks, Vol. I

On Fridays in mid-January, when I am reduced to a couch-dwelling, weed-smoking, sloth-like stain on society, I think of two things: professional football and Bud Light. The weekend of January 13-15 should be a smashing good time for all, considering there's 14 hours of prime playoff football to witness and 3 nights of potential Bud Light debauchery (or, if you're like me, douchebaggery). Let's all give a big thank you to Marty King (or maybe we should be thanking James Earl Ray ... I'm going straight to hell).

Now that the New York Football Giants have been eliminated from Super Bowl contention by the hated Iggles (something I'm actually kind of happy about, considering I've come to despise the very team whose weekly performance determines my brain's general production level of dopamine), I can begin to concentrate on pro football's version of the "hot stove": the 2007 NFL Fucking Draft.

I've told many individuals that my last three weeks consisted of apartment searches, quality time spent with my carpetbagger parents, repeated physical assaults in Chicago on a large, cage-free gerbal disguised as an accountant, and 4 days of sniper training with a secret special forces unit that invovled a surgical procedure on mis ojos utilizing a laser. Those are all lies.

I've actually been greasing my hair back, erecting a big-board in my living room, and hosting a NFL draft-prospect combine in Riverside Park--all because I'm the self-proclaimed new Mel Kiper, Jr. If Jay Bilas can go from the courtroom to the ESPN studio, then so can I.

And now, behold the first annual Nick's Picks Mock Draft (huge E-power chord, possibly with volume pedal effect as sound fades out)

Picks 1-10

1. Oakland Raiders: JaMarcus Russell (QB, LSU)
Everyone knows that the top two picks will be QB's, and this dude's got disgusting size, a disgusting arm, and he'd look cool as shit in silver and black. With Randal "Randy" Moss giving 35% on every play, Russell could be the next Daunte Culpepper.

2. Detroit Lions: Brady Quinn (QB, Notre Dame)
If history is any guide, Matt Millen will draft Calvin Johnson, who will then, by operation of law, be out of the league picking up trash in three years. Millen's draft acumen has been analyzed here before, but we think even he can't fuck this one up. The Lions need a QB and the Irish Douchebag (I totally just made that up, but it does fit) is the obvious choice. If I were Brady Quinn, the first thing I'd do is change my name; the second thing I'd do is pull a John Elway/Eli Manning and refuse to go to the Motor City.

3. Cleveland Browns: Adrian Peterson (RB, Oklahoma)
These bottom-feeders need a QB, but with Russell and Quinn off the board, they're not going to take Brohm with the #3 overall pick. Instead, they'll take Adrian Peterson, who has the potential to be fucking sick, but also might spend the next three years nursing various injuries. This will give them three young studs at skill positions (Edwards, Winslow, Peterson); but don't start jerkin' it yet, Browns fans, the puke-orange and deuce-brown are still gonna suck dingleberries next year.

4. Minnesota Vikings from Tampa Bay Bucs: Calvin Johnson (WR, Georgia Tech)
That's right, I'm predicting a trade. Fuck off. The Vikes are desperate for a big-play WR, and Johnson looks like he could be the next Larry Fitzgerald, or even better. The Bucs need D-line help, and know that they can likely get that down at the #7 position. The Vikes will swap picks with the Bucs and throw in a second or third round this year and a 3rd or 4th rounder in '08 to get Johnson. If you've seen this m'fer play this year, you know that he looked like a catholic preist out there (...c'mon, a man playing with boyz ...)

5. Arizona Cardinals: Joe Thomas (OT, Wisconsin)
I don't know much about this beast other than that everyone and their mother says he's awesome. Works for me. Cardinals need blocking and with Thomas opposite Leonard Davis, that could be the cornerstone of a solid line for years to come. Isn't that special.

6. Washington Redskins: Gaines Adams (DE, Clemson)
I've had conversations with my insiders of the Redskins organizations, one of whom is a degenerate Gambler, and the consensus seems to be that the Skins want either a DE or a CB. Although S. Springs is gettin' on in years and Carlos Rogers didn't mature as much in his second year as the Skins brass had hoped, they're going to pass on a first round CB and look to upgrade the position with Nate Clements via free agency. This pick could also be Jamaal Anderson (DE, Arkansas), who many think is the best DE in the draft, but since Danny Snyder is a moron, he'll go with Gaines.

7. Tampa Bay Bucs from Minnesota Vikings: Jamaal Anderson (DE, Arkansas)
Although Alan Branch is viewed by many to be the top D-lineman in the draft, the Bucs need help with the pass rush (they finished 30th in sacks in 2006) and that's what Anderson will provide.

8. Houston Texans: Alan Branch (DT, Michigan)
The Texans need tons of defensive help, and while they might be better off taking LSU safety LaRon Landry, they can't pass up the opportunity to anchor their defensive line with Branch. Branch is enormous (6'-6", 330 lbs.) and was the cornerstone of a Wolverines defense that was sick at stopping the run (except against tOSU and USC ... but the Texans front office isn't smart enough to figure that one out). With Branch and Williams making up half of the Texans D-line, the potential is there for a dominant future.

9. Miami Dolphins: Leon Hall (CB, Michigan)
When you've got G-men cast-off, Will Allen, starting at corner, you could use an upgrade. Hall is the top corner in the draft, so this one's, as my man Ace Cowboy over at Slack says better than anyone else, a total Schiavo.

10. Atlanta Falcons: Dwayne Jarrett (WR, USC)
Most think LSU safety, LaRon Landry, will go here, but because I know what the fuck I'm talking about, it's going to be Jarrett: Falcons receivers were atrocious in '06 in terms of catching the ball and making big plays. As we all saw in the Rose Bowl, Jarrett is big, fast, and has great hands--finally someone for Matt Schau--I mean, Michael Vick, to throw to.

The next ten are available if you're an ESPN insider; otherwise you have to wait for me to post them here when I actually figure them out.