Thursday, February 15, 2007

Hardaway in '08


"If you don't get your figner out of my ass, I'll fucking kill you."

It's official. Tim Hardaway has thrown his hat in the ring with the likes of John McCain, Sam Brownback, Rudy Giuliani and Mike Huckabee for the GOP presidential nomination in 2008. I wasn't aware that the patriarch of the UTEP two-step had an interest in becoming the leader of the free world, but with his initial public statement it's clear that he's actively courting the conservative vote, leaving no doubt where he stands on divisive social issues such as, say, homosexuality. Let's have a look-see at what the former NBA star turned politician had to say yesterday regarding gays:

"You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known, I don't like gay people and I don't like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don't like it. It shouldn't be in the world or in the United States."

Whoa.

While I don't personally agree with the above remarks, I do give credit to Hardaway for implicitly declaring his intention to capture the Republican Party's presidential nomination in a rather unorthodox manner (in an interview with Dan "the Bastard" le Batard on a Miami sports radio talk show) and for making perhaps the most candid statement in political history.

In a later interview with a Fox affiliate in Miami, Hardaway did, however, display some political savviness in attempting to perform a bit of damage control

"Yes, I regret it. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said I hate gay people or anything like that. That was my mistake."

Ah-ha, although Hardaway is indeed a novice politician in terms of years, his choice of words proves his political shrewdness. Notice that he did not actually say he doesn't hate gay people; only that he shouldn't have said it--pure genius. What better way to court the right wing of the Republican party than by unabashedly proclaiming your hatred and fear of gay people, declaring that our great nation is no place for such repugnancy, and then following that up with a faux-apology that functions as a "wink-wink" to the conservatives and a display of humanity and compassion to the rest of the nation.

Tim Hardaway is a GOP dream; not only is he black (which brings the previously democratic-leaning African-America populace to the right side of the aisle), but he hates gays too.

Beat that combo, Sam Brownback!

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

Beirut!

Here's a survey that we can all relate to. I'm not sure if anyone even reads this rag, but those of you whom I suspect read this will be swept back to the days of "I'll take a re-rack," "Drink, bitch," and the saddest words ever uttered in sports, "I didn't even get to shoot."

It's a national beirut/beer-pong survey. The nostalgia is almost overwhelming.

In case you're retarded, the above picture is of the Lebanese capital, Beirut. Since I think calling "Beirut" "beer-pong" is a traveshamockery, I couldn't in good conscience include a picture of the beer-game "beirut" above without actually typing "beer-pong" into google's search thing. I may be on the verge of becoming a blood-sucking lawyer, but I'm not about to compromise my steadfast beliefs jsut to show youse a picture as cool as this. I mean, seriously, I would totally have burnt down 1610 Pine street if I could show that picture to my illegitimate grand kids in 5 years.

Incidentally, is there a better nut than the pistachio? The answer is a resounding "fuck no."

Monday, February 5, 2007

It's Not Like Being Accused of Having Herpes Is Stigmatizing or Anything



Whew. What a relief; it turns out that the wrestling team at Valentine High School in Omaha, NB doesn't have herpes. Thank god.

In other news, it is cold as fuck in NYC today. I still don't understand how anyone lives in climates that have seasons. Granted, I kind of dig snow a little, but when the Pilgrims rolled up with their small-pox blankets and funny outfits, wouldn't they have gotten the fuck out of the northeast when they walked out of their cribs and it was like 20 fucking degrees?

Sunday, February 4, 2007

Gut Reaction



Superbowl XLI is in the books; Peyton says goodbye to his little friend; that game was "meh."

The following are instant, unadulterated reactions to tonight's game from your correspondent:

--Is it really necessary for the NFL to refer to the Superbowl with Roman numerals? I'm putting the over/under on how many people actually know what the fuck "XLI" means at 2% of the watching public ... and I'm taking the under. Why can't we just refer to the Superbowl by the year in which it was played. I know that in the 2000 Superbowl (excuse me, Superbowl XXXIV) the Rams won and the Titans came up a yard short and I spilled a bunch of beer on the Mule's dormroom floor during the game and Crackhead John got punched in the face more than once by Big Dan and some random Pike rush showed up and ate all the microwavable taquitos, an act which directly led to Crackhead's imminent and unfortunate demise. I associate these occurrences with that game not because of some lame-ass Roman numerals, but by the year. So let's be done with the X's, L's and V's already.

--Isn't Peyton Manning guilty of a false-start on every play that he's in shotgun with that little step forward of his? Goddamn NFL conspiracy.

--Rex Grossman sucks.

--Prince's halftime show was actually kinda okay ... I think.

--Either I wasn't drunk enough or they didn't ignite enough pyrotechnics during Prince's "set", but the lackluster second half surely has something to do with the lack of smog that needs to descend on the field for a competitive and dramatic ending to the Superbowl.

--The Bears really aren't that good. This means that the NFC totally sucked ballz this year.

--Phil Simms is a douche of a "color guy."

--Considering the Colts are clearly God's team led by a "christian coach," was there any doubt they'd beat a team that starts a guy named Muhsin Muhammad at wide receiver?

--I busted out my Crayola 64-pack and then crunched the numbers, and I've found that not only is Tony Dungee the first black headcoach to win a Superbowl, but the coach of the losing team is also black. Holy fuck!

--The commercials were awful. The only good one (and it was pretty freakin' good) was the Bud Light slap yer face one. Nice work. I was kind of hoping for a sequel to the Dodge robot wars, but instead we got that super-weird Godzilla/Mighty-Morphin Power Rangers thing for the GPS device. Fart.

--Bears kicker Robbie Gould pronounces his last name "gold"--no f'n way; the "U" is in there for a reason.

--That game was kind of weak sauce.

That's it for now. No more football for 8 months. At least we don't have to wait two more excruciating weeks for the Pro Bowl. My prediction: 27-23 NFC.


Do people actually watch the Pro Bowl? I have never seen even a second of it. I'm that cool.