Time Warner Cable Can Eat My Ass

By now, everyone is aware of the ongoing, incredibly childish, my-dick-is-bigger-than-your's feud between the NFL Network and many cable providers around this here great nation. Since I live in center of the universe, the only provider I give a shit about is the nefarious monopoly known as Time Warner Cable. These ass-mongrels have decided to play hard-ball with the crotch-pheasants over at the NFL Network, the net result being that us NFL enthusiasts are left with our flacid cycloptic snakes flapping in the cold rain and snow (and wind, I guess).

Evidently, the NFL Network wants a cool $140 mil from TWC to air the network for all viewers, an offer the TWC execs responded to by pulling down their pantaloons, lifting their sacks, pointing to their grundles and mouthing the words "lick it." They immediately followed this charade by claiming that $140 mil was "crazy expensive," and that they would be forced to offer the network only as an addition to their "sports tier," which subscribers can get access to for an additional fee. The NFL Network said "go F yerself," and that's where we are today. No NFL Network for us TWC-ers, which means we, like Spalding, will get nothing and like it.

I don't know who's at fault and, frankly, I don't really care. TWC has a monopoly over tens of millions of cable-addicts and, thus, ass-loads of cash, and the NFL gets billions from networks to air their games. So, neither of these douche-nozzles can exactly say they aint' budgin' 'cuz they needs the lucraz. Fuckers.

So, I've decided to take a gander at the programming TWC has decided to shell out for and see what exactly we Manhattanites can watch instead of sweet, sweet NFL action 24-7.

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The first 11 channels are okay. There's the standard networks, TNT, Nickelodeon, TBS, those wacky and zaney "MY9" and the "CW11" channels, and CNN. TNT and TBS are must-haves, and while I don't watch Montel Williams, Reba, or WWF Smackdown, the former UPN and WB are fine with me.

Then we come to Lifetime (channel 12). If you like movies about attractive women who enact overly dramatic revenge on their husbands, who have either a) beat the shit out of them or b) cheated on them with some young floozie, then by all means have at it. But as we will see later, they've got a separate channel for that shit. What pisses me off about Lifetime is not so much that I'd never in a million years consider watching anything it airs (mainly b/c they insist on remaining on basic cable, thus losing out on millions of male viewers not unlike myself, who would tune in daily if there was nudity), but they carry essentially the same programs as the CW11 and My9 channels. Yeah, from 5 p.m. to 9 pm on Lifetime you can catch an hour of some show called "Still Standing," followed by an hour of "Reba," followed by another hour of "Still Standing," which is then followed by yet another hour of "Reba." Meanwhile, on My9 from 2 p.m. to 3 you can catch an hour of "Still Standing" and then from 4 p.m. to 5 you can see another hour of "Reba" on the CW11. I don't care how many women masturbate to the short-haired Reba McEntire, if your name ain't Jerry Seinfeld, we don't need to see 3 hours of your show, even if you're a red-haired strumpet and we could spend that time debating the merits of the seemingly elusive fire-crotch.

End result: Lifetime's got to go.

Next we come to MTV. It appears that if you're not up before 9, you can't see any music videos. Awesome. Without getting into the specifics of the individual shows (we'll save that for another post), the programs on this channel are preposterous. I don't want to watch someone get "made" into someone or something else; I don't want to see 15 year old sluts bitch and moan that arms-dealer daddy only spent $250,000 on their effing BIRTHDAY PARTY; and I don't care about some BMX biker and his tub-o'-lard bodyguard, who, evidently, goes swimming in BMX dude's pool wearing only socks and a jock strap. Nice.

Conclusion: fuck Mtv.

I generally have no issue with the series of home shopping channels, but, seriously, who the fuck buys this shit? Anyone who has the time to buy shit off the TV clearly has no job (and, likely, no money).

Then there's Spike TV. I don't understand this one. When "The National Network" (formerly "The Nashville Network") made a huge deal about changing its name to "Spike," they made it abundantly and annoyingly clear that it was going to be "television for men." Sooooo, that means it's going to be the male equivalent of Lifetime, right? After getting cheated on by his cunt of a wife, lawyer guy bends the hot, young paralegal (female, I hope) over his office desk? I'm game. But no, apparently "television for men" amounts to a barrage of "World's Most Amazing/Dangerous/Wildest Police Chases," hour upon hour of various "Star Trek"-type shows, "CSI," and the occassional Ultimate Fighting Championship, a concept that sounds good on paper, but in reality is mad boring. I'll take 24 hours of professional football over that bullshit any day.

TV Guide Channel. Fuck off. Everyone's got digital cable, so no need for the scrolling guide. If you dont have digital cable, you're stupid (like my parents) and don't deserve the NFL Network.

WE: this stands for "women's entertainment." Like my man David Spade used to say (way too often), I liked this one better the first time, when it was called "Lifetime." Hey, TWC, just fucking pick one.

But wait, just two channels up from "WE" is "Oxygen," yet another network for women; this one, though, is aimed at younger women. Actually, it seems to be aimed at fat women, since it appears to air nothing but Roseanne re-runs. Two was bad enough, TWC, you can't get away with three of these channels. Stop being a pussy and give me football.

Then there's the spanish-language channels. I speak un poquito espanol, but not enough to understand what's happening on these inane programs. The "variety shows" are almost beyond comprehension, and the soap operas all seem to have that dude with the bowl haircut and the red dots (couldn't find a pic). I guess people like these shows, but do we really need 3 of these networks? C'mon.
Channel 62 is "Lifetime Movie." So, let me get this straight, we need one channel for the daily "Reba"/"Still Standing" marathon and another for the wife-kills-cheating/abusive-husband movies? Okay, okay. Deep breaths. Serenity now.

When we get to the 100 channel mark, this is where stuff starts getting all crazy. Most of these channels are okay by me (Sleuth TV, Science channel, Military channel, Game Show network), but there happen to be four (4) more Discovery channels ("Times" "kids" "home" and "health")--just condense that shit already.

Speed Channel: this should only be offered in the South. If you want to watch cars making left turns, you can watch it on sundays on NBC. A better idea might be to just tape one race and watch it over and over again whilst crushing cans of Schlitz Ice.

Turning to channel 127 I become incredulous. I cannot (and will not) believe my eyes. You thought you could get away with it, didn't you, TWC execs? Are you that whipped by your wives (I'm assuming for purposes of this post that all execs at TWC are men. Could I be wrong?)? Or have you all had complete sex changes? Channel 127 is "Lifetime: Real Women." Jesus fucking christ. Enough already.


And there you have it. I've done my best Ron Jawarski in breaking down the film, and we've got 5 channels dedicated to bon-bon eating fem-slobs, one shameful attempt at "television for men," and a bunch a' crap that normal people can't possibly care about.

Well, the NFL Network may be greedy, but at least they're not brain damaged like TWC and Eli.

Have a good weekend, everyone. Only an hour and a half 'til "Reba." Nooice.