Hiatus Is Over

As I predicted on December 7, it was indeed a fortnight before another post found its way to this here pinko-commie rag. 14 days, to be exact, which is the definition of a "fortnight," so .... yeah.

My only hope is that this post-hiatus period doesn't proceed ike Phish's ... you know, described as sloppy, unspirited, predictable; and god forbid if anyone comments that this rag has "jumped the shark" or "run its course." On the bright side, however, if events do transpire in the manner just described, at least I have a DWI and a possession of controlled substances charge to look forward to. So I've got that going for me, which is nice.

Incidentally, as I write this I'm devouring my second kruller from Dunkin' Donuts. While past readers of this site (all three of you) may have surmised that I am what the French call a "cheeseophile," I'm also a sucker for fried dough and coffee. In addition to praising the quality of their fine donuts, the people at this particular Dunkin' Donuts get extra accolades for what I am about to describe. Is there anything worse in life than getting rung up at a store for something that costs $2.01, realizing you have no pennies because you have an irrational fear of them, handing over three singles, and then getting $0.99 in return? Is there? I don't think so.

Loose changee should be outlawed, mainly because it's dumb and small, and also because I never remember and am too scared to bring any of it with me. So, after ringing me up for $2.01 for my coffee, I started to hand over my remaining three singles, thinking I'd come away from this transaction with nothng but a pocket full a' worthless, disgusting change (4 of which would be pennies). But alas, the kind Dn'D lady waived off the thrid single and sent me on my way with a steamin' cup of joe and no pennies.

That, my friends, is how to start off a sick post-hiatus run.

It's recently come to my attention, though, that the pholks over at urbandictionary.com have chosen to define the term "cheeseophile" as: someone who engages in sexual activity with dairy products, in particular cheese. Okay, okay ... I know what you're thinking. Because I talk about cheese a lot and my first name is "Steppenwolf," I'm as prime a candidate as there is to be one of those guys who forces his bird into a wedge of brie over and over again, or takes his semi-melted sticks of butter like a suppository.

But no, the kind people at urbandictionary are clearly only out for quick, cheap laughs, something that we here at CYA (that's the dumbest shortened name for a publication that I've ever heard) find despicable and offensive. While Urbandictionary has chosen to use "pedophile" as it's root-word, I'm going to take, as Jacque Vaughn said prior to snubbing the NBA and its millions for his senior season at Kansas, "the road less travelled" and rise above an endorsement of child molestation. If you break down "cheeseophile," you have "cheese" and "phile," and as we all know "phile" is merely a fancy-boy way of saying "lover of," or "enthusiast." So there you have it. I do not enjoy having relations with dairy products, and I would never think of, ahem, "entering" brie without its consent (actually, if I was going to have non-consensual intercourse with a piece of cheese, It'd probably be with that harlot, brie). The point here is that I'm a cheese-enthusiast. Enough.

Sit tight, sports will follow.